motivation for the unmotivated.

You need to push through this. You do. So then you can show them how much more important following their dreams/carrers was rather than just swooning around like effing love birds. Yes, maybe I'm a bit jealous. If I were to have a love life, theirs would fit my ideal, but so what? I'm in the best university in the country and I WILL go to LSE, study abroad, do internships and be the best I can be. Screw love. I'll have time for that once I'm well established in life because love and a hut simply doesn't cut it for me.

And besides, British men... Yum. *winkwink*

C. S. Lewis

"The future is something which everyone reaches at the rate of sixty minutes an hour, whatever he does, whoever he is."
— C.S. Lewis

bigger picture.

something I sometimes lose sigh of.



been really busy, school's over next week, then study season starts, then exams in January AND FINALLY winter break from mid-jan to mid-feb. So, so tired right now; need to finish some more work on a business plan and organize my introduction to macroeconomics notes. Tomorrow: driving exam! I'm terrified. :O

Friday's are best.

Happy Harry Potter weekend! Have you been to the cinema yet? I went yesterday afternoon with some of my old high school friends and we LOVED it! So, so good. In terms of being true to the book it was the truest of the last ones (I think even the truest of the series, so far). Also found the parallel with the 2nd World War very visible, more so than on the book. Really impressed to be honest.
So today, because of the Nato Summit in Lisbon, my classes were cancelled. I was only having a 3hour module on fridays that ended this week, so today was like a sneak peek into what my fridays are going to look like from now on.

I had planned to go on a run this morning but as soon as I lifted the head off my pillow I saw the gloomy weather outside. Not nice for a run. Pretty comforting knowing I didn't have to run across town to go to classes :)

I even brought out the workout in the form of a DVD. I mean if I have a day off I need to start getting ready for my 3K race in December, no matter how small it is, right?

But the run won. I haven't run in like a year. And even then it was a feeble attempt at running. I was just never very well prepared and I was always very self-conscious of running out in the open (I live near my old high school, so sometimes I run into people I know :P), so I usually resort to indoor activities.

I ate half a banana before I left to face the mild rain. It's very nice to run in Lisbon, I quite like it... I had a small run of 1.13 miles which I managed to complete in about 15minutes (didn't really time it, per se, but I left home at 8:33 and got back at 8:50, with a leeway for running up and down the stairs to my house, etc.). I think it was actually a good timing given that at the end I have a really steep hill that I had to walk because my legs really weren't up for much else.

By the time I got home and shower, I had two little friends waiting for me:

Tea and oats win me every time for breakfast. By the way, if you have a Lidl nearby you really should get their german oats. SO good! Best quick oats I've found so far... (of course nothing beats real oat groats but it takes me like 3hrs to cook them)

Meanwhile outside the weather doesn't seem to look any better, but the trees look really pretty.

Eggy oats - wholy yum!

Now I'm left with the news (I'm a management major, going to switch to economics next year) and yet more studying... See ya! <3

one step forward, two steps backwards.

This past month and a half has gone by SO quickly... It's amazing how time escapes through your fingers like sand when you're busy. I changed university meanwhile, I'm in what's supposedly the best in the country - it's what I wanted all along, once again pursuing my need for perfection. But, I've learnt a lesson. I don't have to be strictly perfect or completely at lost. There is no need to be all or nothing. It's okay to try my best and fail sometimes, and move on to better things than punishing myself.
I'm starting to relate more to people at uni, but while we're not the best friends ever, we're starting to get quite close; whereas my 'old' friends are rather distant. I think my disordered thinking pushed them away quite a bit... We met for dinner for one of my friend's birthday and leading up to the event we all exchanged texts about how excited we were and that we needed to talk, etc. However, at the actual dinner, once my friends saw me (some of them, at least, I'd say the most important) they weren't as radiant. One of my friends actually said 'You need to gain some meat, girl! You look like a stick with nothing, no boobs, no butt, ...'. She may be right (okay, she is), but the way she said it... And then my best friends sat at the opposite part of the table and when I went to talk to them afterwards, all they talked about was how I probably didn't eat now and tried to guess what I did eat.
I know I sound terribly whinny, in my defense I really don't have anyone else to talk about this with, consider yourself as my therapist, seeing as I don't have one. It really did hurt. Badly. I was looking forward to have an amazing time (which I did with other friends, but not with my closest friends, the ones I missed the most) and instead was shun out. Anyway... I guess I could show you some of my eats.
My autumn snack of pomegranate kernels with greek yoghurt and cinnamon.

More pomegranate on the side... I honestly spend HOURS extracting those kernels. It's so relaxing! And very yummy in the end :)

Brekkie...

 Can't get enough of it - quick wholegrain oats with flaxseed and an egg white cooked in, and cinnamon on top. Blackberries were added mid devouring.

Lunch after classes: spinach & tofu fillet, boiled carrots and rice noodles, all generously drowned in shoyu.

Hmm... Rice noodles with shoyu and freshly ground black pepper = Love :D

Not much, I know. I haven't took on the 'photographing my every meal' fully, yet.
I feel like I'm progressing in my recovery - I'm eating more now. And although this sounds extremely vague I'm starting to feel more and more at ease with my weight gain goal. Since I'm not terribly underweight, I'm also going to try and get into fitness more: today I signed up for a run on December 26th (right after Christmas!) and I'm really excited. There's a 10K and a 3K and although I'm not exactly out of fitness (I do ballet 3h/week and sometimes Jillian Michaels' 30 day shred), I don't think I'll be ready by then to run a 10K, so I signed up for the 3K to see if I can take up running. I'd really like to make it a regular thing, I really love running but never managed to do very good times because I'm always short of breath.

See ya, <3

new life.

Today I was in my driving school's waiting room, wearing my all natural organic cotton sweater because the weather has finally started to cool down, and looking down at my shoes I remembered how my day started: cold feet, restlessness, need to exercise but no time to do so.
Things move along, people pass by me busy with their lives, the leaves start falling down, and overall everyone moves on but for some reason I seem to be stuck once again in this awkward moment or even moving backwards. Nobody said recovering from an eating disorder would be easy, but then again I never imagined it would be so hard - to let go, to open up to life, to let go of some control, to have a teenage mind when I'm used to thinking in such an uptight manner.
So far university has been a painful experience, which only left me missing my old friends terribly. Have they moved on and left me behind? I honestly hope not.